The Open Guide to London: the free London guide - Differences between Version 6 and Version 5 of Clothing Shops On The Portobello Road

Contents are identical

Warning: rant approaching.

Since I am in desperate need of some new clothes I spent a couple of hours wandering down the Portobello Road and having a look at what was on offer in the various clothing stores... a bad decision.

North Kensington is one of the spiritual homes of the trendy git, and is therefore a home also of the trendy git's source of clothing. Rarely have I seen such a noxious range - or, perhaps, non-range - of clothing. There are numerous stores, all of which sell:

  • Truly ugly Hawaiian shirts, or short-sleeved shirts with cod-Oriental flames/dragons/etc running over them.
  • T-shirts in a range of ugly colours with - presumably - retro 1970s-esque logos, such as the names of non-existent American colleges or sports teams.
  • T-shirts with trendy brand names and obscurantist yet bland and obvious designs, like cutaway diagrams of Volkswagen buses or quasi-meaningful design-wank slogans that are clearly meant to be "a bit edgy, a bit out there, you know", but instead allow you to announce yourself to everyone within visual range that you are a twat who has just spent £45 on a t-shirt.
  • T-shirts with vaguely hip-hop related motifs, generally featuring a badly drawn picture of someone on a pair of decks.
  • Short-sleeved shirts with embroidered logos on the back of some imaginary engineering, repair or auto detailing company, and a name-badge sown on the front above the pocket. Presumably, like a 1970s gas station attendant might wear. This particular kind of clothing is very much in fashion with Nathan Barley and his friends in Hoxton.
  • A rack of short-sleeved shirts in the most incredibly ugly pastel shades of orange, brown, blue and green.

Needless to say that everything in the above list was breathtakingly expensive. I have no idea why this sartorial obsession with the 1970s has formed; it's grotesque, annoying, and only contributes to the growing problem of highly visible twattage on the streets of London.


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